The Healing You Think You Want vs. The Healing You Believe You Deserve

For years, I thought I was doing everything right. I read the books. I went to the workshops. I showed up to therapy. I prayed. I journaled. I meditated. I told myself I was ready to heal, over and over again.

But somehow, life kept circling me back into the same kinds of losses.  Failed relationships. Business breakdowns. Disconnection from people I loved. And underneath it all was a quiet ache I couldn’t seem to touch. I was still hurting. Still stuck. Still replaying the same emotional patterns, like a loop I couldn’t escape from.

It wasn’t until I came face-to-face with one of the hardest truths of my life that something finally clicked:

We only heal to the level that we believe we are worthy of healing.

And if any part of you, conscious or not, believes that you don’t deserve peace, joy, or love… then no matter how much effort you put into healing, you’ll always find a way to stay just a little bit broken.

That was me. And it wasn’t until I saw the worthiness wound I was carrying that anything actually changed for me.

The Repeating Patterns of Pain

When I look back at those years—the years after the loss of my son, the unraveling of my marriage, the betrayals in business, the heartbreaks in friendship, what I see now is a woman repeating the same lesson in different forms. Over and over again.

Back then I told myself it was the circumstances. That I was just unlucky. That grief had rearranged everything, and this was the aftermath. But underneath that surface-level explanation was something much harder to admit:

I didn’t believe I deserved to have a life where things worked out for me.  

I didn’t know I was telling myself that. It wasn’t something I said out loud. But in hindsight, I can see it in everything I tolerated, in the boundaries I didn’t set, in the opportunities I sabotaged, and in the love I kept at arm’s length.

It felt like the world was saying “no” to me… but I was the one whispering “not yet” to the good things trying to enter my life.

Why?

Because I still believed that healing was something other people were allowed to have. People who hadn’t messed up. People who hadn’t failed. People who hadn’t woken up one morning to find their child had slipped out the door and drowned while they were sleeping. 

How could I possibly believe I deserved joy after that?

The Moment Everything Changed

It took me years to even say that sentence out loud without crumbling. To admit the guilt I was carrying. The fear. The shame. The belief that somehow, I was to blame. And because I felt responsible, I unconsciously kept myself in cycles of loss, as if I needed to punish myself by staying unfulfilled.

It wasn’t until I hit a low point—AGAIN—that I finally saw it for what it was.

Another business opportunity  had crumbled. A friendship I thought was solid fell apart. I was doing “the work,” and yet I was still feeling empty, unanchored, and alone.

And in a moment of sheer exhaustion, I asked myself a question:

“What if this isn’t about what I want… but about what I believe I’m allowed to have?”

That question cracked me open. 

Because I finally could see that wanting something and believing you’re worthy of it are two very different things. And I realized I had been attempting to build a healing journey on top of layers and layers of self-punishment. I wasn’t trying to come home to myself—I was trying to earn my way back to believing that I was worth loving.  That I was worthy of forgiveness. That I was worthy of a life beyond the pain. 

Because no matter how hard you try, you can’t build a life of peace on a foundation of shame. Eventually, it all collapses under the weight of what you don’t believe you deserve.

Healing Starts with Worthiness

If you’re stuck in a loop, if you’ve been doing “everything right” and nothing seems to shift, I want to ask you a question that could change everything:

Do you believe you are worthy of what you’re asking for?

Because until you answer that honestly, you might be chasing healing while simultaneously denying yourself access to it.

You’ll read the books, but you won’t integrate the truths.

You’ll say the affirmations, but deep down, you won’t believe them.

You’ll try to receive joy, but something in you will flinch every time it comes close.

Why?

Because your nervous system, your heart, your spirit, can only open to the level that feels safe. And if love, joy, abundance, peace… if those things feel unsafe to the parts of you that still believe you’re to blame, or not enough, or too damaged, then you will unconsciously protect yourself from the very healing you truly want.

That was the hardest truth I had to face. But it was also the most liberating. Because once I saw it, I could finally begin doing the deeper work, not just to chase healing, but  to allow it.

Living from Worth: The Healed Life

So what does it look like to believe you’re worthy of healing?

It looks like letting go of the identity you built around pain.

It looks like no longer using suffering as proof of your loyalty to the people you’ve lost.

It looks like making decisions from self-love, not self-protection.

It looks like setting boundaries, receiving joy, and not apologizing for your peace.

It looks like becoming someone who knows, deep down, that they are already enough.

That shift didn’t happen all at once for me. It came in waves.

• The first time I forgave myself for what happened the morning Drew passed away, I sobbed on the floor for hours.

• The first time I felt joy without guilt, I almost couldn’t breathe from the surprise of it.

• The first time I looked in the mirror and saw a woman I loved and respected—one who had earned her own trust—I wept. Not from grief this time, but from joy.
  

Because the truth is: healing didn’t make me perfect. It made me vulnerable and real.

It made me softer and stronger at the same time.

It made me braver—enough to say, I am ready now. Not just to survive… but to live fully!

And over time, that version of me—the one who knew she was worthy—got louder. Stronger. More rooted.

Not because I had earned it.

But because I had finally remembered: I always was.

The Invitation: From Survival to Wholeness

If you’ve been stuck in a cycle of wanting healing but not fully receiving it, I want you to know there is nothing wrong with you.

You are not broken. You are not too late. You are not disqualified from joy.

You may have just been trying to heal from the outside in, when what’s really required is an inner permission slip.

So let me ask you:

• Where are you still carrying shame you haven’t acknowledged?

• Where do you believe that love, success, or peace are for other people—but not for you?

• Where do you feel the need to earn what your soul already longs for?
  

Because the life you want, the one filled with love, meaning, creativity, happiness, and fulfillment, isn’t something you have to chase. It’s something you become available for.

But that only happens when you stop asking, “How do I fix myself?”

And start asking, “What would it take for me to believe I am already whole?”

You’re Already Worthy

I wrote this because I lived it.

I built a whole life that looked like healing… while secretly believing I didn’t deserve it.

And when I finally stopped performing for love,when I stopped punishing myself for what I couldn’t change, everything shifted.

The peace came. The clarity came. The joy came. And I didn’t have to force any of it. I just had to make space for it. I had to believe I was worth it.

So wherever you are right now, grieving, rebuilding, longing for more, I want to remind you:

You don’t need to prove your worth.

You don’t need to earn your healing.

You don’t need to keep reliving the pain just to feel loyal to the past.

You are already worthy of the life you’re dreaming of.

The healing you want? It begins the moment you stop denying yourself the truth:

You were never unworthy…You were just waiting to remember.